342.7 hours played
Written 10 days ago
Total War: Rome II is like a beautiful war elephant: majestic, powerful, absolutely massive—and sometimes prone to trampling your hopes and dreams because it got confused by a bush.
Let’s get this out of the way: yes, when it launched back in 2013, Rome II was a hot mess. I’m talking day-one bugs, suicidal AI generals, flying soldiers, and legions whose idea of military strategy was forming a human traffic jam on a siege ladder. If you’ve read any early reviews, you’ll remember the critics’ mood ranged somewhere between “deeply disappointed” and “dear God, what have you done to Rome.”
But we’ve come a long way since then. Numerous patches, DLCs, and an Emperor Edition later, Rome II has become a genuinely fantastic Total War experience—if a little quirky, like a general who insists on giving speeches in pig Latin.
Gameplay? Glorious. There’s nothing like zooming out and seeing your empire stretch from Britannia to Egypt, then zooming in to watch your Hastati stab Gauls in the face while screaming in Latin. The real-time battles are huge, chaotic, and cinematic as hell. Sometimes your troops even do what you tell them to. Sometimes.
Campaign mode? It scratches every strategic itch you’ve got. You manage cities, balance taxes, crush rebellions, backstab allies, marry off your cousin to a Greek guy for trade benefits, and occasionally lose a province because you forgot to build public toilets.
The AI? Improved from launch, but still hilariously stupid at times. Enemy factions will do things like siege your capital with a single unit of slingers or declare war from across the map while being gang-piled by six other factions. I respect the confidence, honestly.
Diplomacy? Still has the emotional maturity of a toddler. “You gave us gold and protected our people for 60 turns? Cool. Now die.” But it's part of the charm. In Rome II, you don’t win friends. You conquer future problems.
Graphics? Still solid for its age. Watching a full cohort hold the line while cavalry slams into the flanks is pure ancient warfare eye candy. And if you don’t zoom in to watch flaming pigs charge elephants at least once, are you even living?
Now, is it perfect? No. Some of the DLCs are overpriced, the UI occasionally forgets it's supposed to be user-friendly, and yes, the AI still has its “I'm going to send one unit at a time into your fortress and hope for the best” moments. But none of that stops me from sinking 300+ hours into uniting Italy under my glorious potato-optimized rule.
Final verdict?
Total War: Rome II is a complex, occasionally janky, but deeply satisfying war sim that lets you paint the map red while roleplaying as Julius Caesar with control issues. It's not flawless, but it is fun—and that’s what counts. It’s like Civilization’s messy, stabby cousin with a PhD in betrayal and a minor in supply chain logistics.
9/10. Would cross the Rubicon again. And this time, I’ll bring siege weapons. Veni, vidi, rage-quit-eti.